” Just don’t understand”
by Kathy Brocks
I just don’t understand
I just don’t understand
I got to do it God’s way even though it hurts

I just don’t understand
I just don’t understand
I got to do it God’s way even though it hurts
I got to do it God’s way even though it hurts, taking a life is not my verse

they dont understand what they did hurt my mind
i didnt know how a gift could be violated like this
not everyone gets a blessing like this, 10 fingers, 10 toes, all in the right places.
No sickness, no disease
God’s gift, blessing

I came in from work
there she was perched on his left leg coloring a page
he kissing her cheek, her neck speaking softly in her ear
disgusted
come here baby, lets go find mommie i said
she left her with me he said

tears filled my heart, my eyes,
she looked so scared
uncomfortable, her eyes growing red as he pressed

rage filled my head

it was more than my gut, my eyes telling me this was not right
i wanted to put my fist through his back and rip out his heart
I got to do it God’s way even though it hurts,
I just don’t understand
I just don’t understand


he acted like he didn’t hear me come in
he kissed her neck over and over again

come on baby i reached for her
he flexed and pulled her close
slide her between his legs
as he continued to sway his legs to and fro
its like I was a ghost, no authority to post

Anger shot through me like a rocket. my hands became unsteady
death is his, how do i kill him without hurting her
I got to do it God’s way even though it hurts,
even though it hurts
even though it hurts

i went to my room to call her mother
did you leave her with him i said
yes, she said
i just told her the other day what he did to the girls playing with them in his bed
tickling them, that way, to most it could look innocent
but that touch i knew from what he told men to do to me
it was like seeing inside his head

i told her don’t leave them with him, anger arose in her, you gonna keep ‘em
the kids were just pons to control the fathers and others, its like nobody cared

my days of school filled with books and their kids.
Out of college taking any job i could get, temping, working any where, commission even in between keeping their kids.
I snatched the boys from men hunting boys in our hood, but this one, I couldn’t help
No help from her mommie at all. I just didn’t understand

No authority would help
innocent people convicted for 20 years all the time for something they never did
i told her what I saw and what he did
she said she was down the street at a friend’s
I said, at a friend’s, why didn’t you take her with you
she said, I was only gone a minute
are you coming, I asked
not yet she said
what, i couldn’t believe it. I told her what he did. No change in response,
so I heard myself when I said, I got to go
the hardest thing I ever did
leaving the eyes of the innocent with hell in brown skin
it was just weird
I didn’t understand
something seemed off with her mommie, i didn’t understand
the price was the kid
parent no help
no number for baby’s father, I didn’t even know where he lived
not strong enough to snatch her away

Then would be the time for my God like strength
So confused I couldn’t find it

hell is perversion in every way
I couldn’t believe the mother left her kid
I got to do it God’s way even though it hurts
If God had let me out the gate that time, he’d have to do it again and again
Vengeance is the Lord, am waiting on it